Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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