a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
