She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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