so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When are your genitals available?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
