Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
