Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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