it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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