the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
