Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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