we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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