I hate all girls vehemently.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
