shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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