The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
