Pappa wants mamma naked
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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