He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
