just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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