when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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