I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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