What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
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He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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