While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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