bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
