god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
