I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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