just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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