Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
