I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
