My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Randomize
