omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
