i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
