Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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