I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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