Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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