Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
