I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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