I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
