it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
