You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
