I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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