i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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