I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
