i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
