I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
