Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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