The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
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Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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