I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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