my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can't turn off my feet"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
