I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
