i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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