I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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