the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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