just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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