and my herpes radar will keep us safe
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
