This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
