So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
