Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
