I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
