no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
