Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
