My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
