just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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