things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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