It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
